From verhagen@fys.ruu.nl Sat Sep 17 18:45:56 MET DST 1994 Article: 1209 of eunet.jokes Newsgroups: eunet.jokes,rec.humor Path: galileo.polito.it!ghost.dsi.unimi.it!univ-lyon1.fr!swidir.switch.ch!newsfeed.ACO.net!Austria.EU.net!EU.net!sun4nl!ruuinf!ruunfs.fys.ruu.nl!verhagen From: verhagen@fys.ruu.nl (Joachim Verhagen) Subject: Science Jokes (1/5) Message-ID: Sender: usenet@fys.ruu.nl (News Control) Organization: Physics Department, University of Utrecht, The Netherlands Date: 15 Sep 94 15:15:59 GMT Lines: 1307 Xref: galileo.polito.it eunet.jokes:1209 rec.humor:46860 Contents 01. Definitions 02. The mathematican, the physicist and the engineer (and other professions) 03. Mathematics 03.0 mathematics 03.1 proofs 03.2 statistics and statisticans 03.3 mathematicans 04. computer science 05. physics 05.1 quotes 06. chemistry and pharmacy 07. miscellany 07.1 quotes 08. anecdotes about scientists 09. poetry 10. mnemonics 10.1 mnemonics 10.2 mathematics 10.3 computer science 10.4 physics 10.5 chemistry 10.6 biology and medicine 10.7 miscellany 11. high school science pranks ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 01. DEFINITIONS A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it. ______________________________________________________________________ If it moves it is biology, if it stinks it is chemistry and if it does not work it is physics. _____________________________________________________________________ From: shhong@chiak.kaist.ac.kr (Hong Seongho) Theoretical Physics is a science locally isomorphic to Mathematics. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: pischke@ecf.toronto.edu (PISCHKE DAVID) Engineering is the art of moulding materials we do not fully understand into shapes we cannot fully analyse and preventing the public from realising the full extent of our ignorance." ___________________________________________________________________________ guest@se.alcbel.be: rafy@cairo.anu.edu.au (Rafy Marootians): Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion... with confidence. Surely _statistics_ is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion... with 95% confidence. From: phk@data.fls.dk (Poul-Henning Kamp/P-HK) Mathematics is the systematic misuse of a nomenclature developed for that specific purpose. _____________________________________________________________________ Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds, biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle. _____________________________________________________________________ A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee up and a doughnut. __________________________________________________________________________ From: david_gonda@qm.yale.edu A student was doing miserably on his oral final exam in General Toplogy (yes, this guy _really_ did give oral finals in topology). Exasperated by the student's abysmal performance up to that point, the professor asked the student "So, what _do_ you know about topology?" The student replied, "I know the definition of a topologist." The professor asked him to state the definition, expecting to get the old saw about someone who can't tell the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. Instead, the student replied: "A topologist is someone who can't tell the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground, but who can tell the difference between his ass and _two_ holes in the ground." The student passed. _____________________________________________________________________ Definitions of Terms Commonly Used in Higher Math The following is a guide to the weary student of mathematics who is often confronted with terms which are commonly used but rarely defined. In the search for proper definitions for these terms we found no authoritative, nor even recognized, source. Thus, we followed the advice of mathematicians handed down from time immortal: "Wing It." CLEARLY: I don't want to write down all the "in- between" steps. TRIVIAL: If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class. OBVIOUSLY: I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it. RECALL: I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test... WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality): I'm not about to do all the possible cases, so I'll do one and let you figure out the rest. IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN: Even you, in your finite wisdom, should be able to prove this without me holding your hand. CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF: This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time. SKETCH OF A PROOF: I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll break it down into the parts I couldn't prove. HINT: The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof. BRUTE FORCE (AND IGNORANCE): Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, "and a partridge in a pair tree." SOFT PROOF: One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms. ELEGANT PROOF: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long. SIMILARLY: At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before. CANONICAL FORM: 4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for their students who choose to finish. TFAE (The Following Are Equivalent): If I say this it means that, and if I say that it means the other thing, and if I say the other thing... BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM: I don't remember how it goes (come to think of it I'm not really sure we did this at all), but if I stated it right (or at all), then the rest of this follows. TWO LINE PROOF: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em. BRIEFLY: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster. LET'S TALK THROUGH IT: I don't want to write it on the board lest I make a mistake. PROCEED FORMALLY: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning (popular in pure math courses). QUANTIFY: I can't find anything wrong with your proof except that it won't work if x is a moon of Jupiter (Popular in applied math courses). PROOF OMITTED: Trust me, It's true. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: lozinski@netcom.com (Joe Cool) MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN Artery------------------------The study of fine paintings. Barium------------------------What you do when CPR fails. Cesarean Section--------------A district in Rome. Colic-------------------------A sheep dog. Coma--------------------------A punctuation mark. Congenital--------------------Friendly. Dilate------------------------To live long. Fester------------------------Quicker. GI Series---------------------Baseball game between teams of soldiers. Grippe------------------------A suitcase. Hangnail----------------------A coat hook. Medical staff-----------------A doctor's cane. Minor operation---------------Coal digging. Morbid------------------------A higher offer. Nitrate-----------------------Lower than the day rate. Node--------------------------Was aware of. Organic-----------------------Church musician. Outpatient--------------------Person who has fainted. Post-operative----------------A letter carrier. Protein-----------------------In favor of young people. Secretion---------------------Hiding anything. Serology----------------------Study of English knighthood. Tablet-------------------------A small table. Tumor-------------------------An extra pair. Urine-------------------------Opposite of you're out. Varicose veins----------------Veins which are very close together. Benign------------------------What you be after you be eight. --------------------------------units and dimensions------------- 2 monograms 1 diagram 8 nickles 2 paradigms 2 wharves 1 paradox 10E5 bicycles 2 megacycles 1 unit of suspense in an Agatha Christie novel 1 whod unit fbecker@dtic.dla.mil (Francoise Becker) writes: 10**12 microphones = 1 megaphone 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo 1 milli-Helen = the amount of beauty required to launch 1 ship __________________________________________________________________________ Brownian motion = Jogging girl scout ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 02. THE MATHEMATICAN, THE PHYSICIST AND THE ENGINEER (AND OTHER PROFESSIONS) From: pascual@tid.es (Pascual de Juan Nuqez) Three men, a physican, a engineer and a computer scientist, are travelling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops. The three atonished men try to solve the problem: - Physican says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque. It has been overloaded the elasticity limit of the main axis. - Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been burned the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo of the radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering. - Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a minute, and then get in and try again? _____________________________________________________________________ An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The engineer says that they should buy a new car. The mathematician says they should sell the old tire and buy a new one. The computer programmer says they should drive the car around the block and see if the tire fixes itself. __________________________________________________________________________ Sender: karl@modi.diku.dk david@ittpub.nl (David P. Morgan): Several students were asked the following problem: Prove that all odd integers are prime. Well, the first student to try to do this was a math student. Hey says "Hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime." Of course, there are some jeers from some of his friends. The physics student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, "Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is ..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right." Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too long doing it. I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime...." ___________________________________________________________________________ Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a prime - counter-example - claim is false. Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ... Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ... Computer scientist: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 7's a prime, 7's a prime, ... Computer scientist using Unix: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, segmentation fault Gosh, they all overlooked that even 2's a prime!! I figure that 2 is the oddest prime of all, because it's the only one that's even! ___________________________________________________________________________ Physicist: 3 is a prime 5 is a prime 7 is a prime 9 is not prime, experimental error Mathematician: 3 is a prime 5 is a prime 7 is a prime by induction all the rest are prime Logician: Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime Proof: 1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true 2) The proof exists; you're reading it now. From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime Engineer: 3 is a prime 5 is a prime 7 is a prime 9 is a prime biologist or accountant or doctor or computer scientist or ... Duh, what's a prime ? Computer Scientist: 1 is a prime 1 is a prime 1 is a prime ...... _____________________________________________________________________ Sender: mj@redbud (MJ Kahn) It takes two general relativists to change a light bulb. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe. It takes also two economists. One assumes the ladders and the other changes the bulb. But how many lawyers does it take? As many as the customer affords. And how many engineers ? Well, one doesn't need an engineer to change the light bulb. How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb. None. It's a hardware problem. From: bajoriap@Perkin-Elmer.com (Andrew Bajorinas) How many computer engineers does it take to change alightbulb. None, it's an analog problem! Ok how many electrical engineers does it take? None, it's a mechanical problem! (broken filament) _____________________________________________________________________ A philosopher, a physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist were travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. "Aha," says the philosopher, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black." "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!" "Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!" ___________________________________________________________________________ Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were travelling on the same train when they passed the same field full of sheep. "Look at that solitary black sheep among all those white ones" said Watson to Holmes. "Yes Watson, the ratio of black sheep to white in that field is one black to three hundred and seventeen white" replied Holmes. "But how can you be so precise" said Watson, flabbergasted. "Elementary, my dear Watson" replied Holmes, "I counted all of the legs and divided by four!" _____________________________________________________________________ From: levd@alien (Lev Desmarais) The difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician : The Engineer walks in her office and finds her trash can on fire. She gets the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire. The Mathematician walks in his office and finds his trash can on fire. He gets the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire. The following day : The Engineer walks in her office and finds the trash can on fire on top of her desk. She gets the fire extinguisher and put out the fire. The Mathematician walks in his office and finds the trash can on fire on top of his desk. He takes the trash can and puts it on the floor. He has reduced the problem to a previously solved state. Too solve it again would be redundant. _____________________________________________________________________ jwest@jwest.ecen.okstate.edu: A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diamaeter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table. If it was my company: The engineer tried to look up the model and serial numbers, couldn't find them, so told his manager that it's just not going to work. _____________________________________________________________________ A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!" ___________________________________________________________________________ Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper." __________________________________________________________________________ An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg. Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the previous problem." __________________________________________________________________________ A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one. ___________________________________________________________________________ An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep. Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep. The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and goes back to sleep. ___________________________________________________________________________ A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep. The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you -name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep. __________________________________________________________________________ A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do? P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire. M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire. Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do? P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve. M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form. __________________________________________________________________________ The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?" __________________________________________________________________________ A lecturer tells some students to learn the phone-book by heart. The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?' The physics-students ask: `Why?' The engineers sigh: `Do we have to?' The chemistry-students ask: `Till next Monday?' The accounting-students (scribbling): `Till tomorrow?' The laws-students answer: `We already have.' The medicine-students ask: `Should we start on the Yellow Pages?' __________________________________________________________________________ The engineer thinks of his equations as an approximation to reality. The physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. The mathematician doesn't care. __________________________________________________________________________ Three men with degrees in mathmatics, physics and biology are locked up in dark rooms for research reasons. A week later the researchers open the a door, the biologist steps out and reports: `Well, I sat around until I started to get bored, then I searched the room and found a tin which I smashed on the floor. There was food in it which I ate when I got hungry. That's it.' Then they free the man with the degree in physics and he says: `I walked along the walls to get an image of the room's geometry, then I searched it. There was a metal cylinder at five feet into the room and two feet left of the door. It felt like a tin and I threw it at the left wall at the right angle and velocity for it to crack open.' Finally, the researchers open the third door and hear a faint voice out of the darkness: `Let C be an open can.' __________________________________________________________________________ A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health. The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics. __________________________________________________________________________ A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again." __________________________________________________________________________ There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills. He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said "Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer, because he could solve each problem individually. The second man moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a previously solved problem. ___________________________________________________________________________ Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'' Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'' The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'' ___________________________________________________________________________ An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!" _____________________________________________________________________ One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I declare myself to be on the outside.' __________________________________________________________________________ Four men were sitting one day discussing how smart their dog's were. The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog could do math. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The Accountant said that his dog was better. His dog, Slide Rule, was told to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of 3, which Slide Rule did with no problem. The Chemist said his dog was smarter, his dog named Measure, was told to get a quart of milk, and pour 7 ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog did this with no trouble at all, and all three men agreed that their dog's were equally smart. Then they turned to the Union Member and asked, what can your dog do? The Union Member called his dog, who was named Coffee Break, and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, fucked the other dogs, and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievence report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workmens Compensation, and left for home on sick leave. ___________________________________________________________________________ A mathematician and a physicist are given the task of describing a room. They both go in, and spend hours meticulously writing down every detail, each turning in nearly a ream of paper. The next day, the room is changed, and they are again given the task. The physicist spends the better part of the day, but the mathematician, amazingly enough, leaves within a minute. he hands in a single sheet of paper with the following description: Put picture back on wall to return to previously solved state. ___________________________________________________________________________ To tell a difference between a mathematician and an engineer, perform this experiment. Put an empty kettle in the middle of the kitchen floor and tell your subjects to boil some water. The engineer will fill the kettle with water, put it on the stove, and turn the flame on. The mathematician will do the same thing. Next, put the kettle already filled with water on the stove, and ask the subjects to boil the water. The engineer will turn the flame on. The mathematician will empty the kettle and put it in the middle of the kitchen floor... thereby reducing the problem to one that has already been solved! ___________________________________________________________________________ So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting together. They spy a deer(*) in the woods. The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio. "Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and vanishes for good. "Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either." "What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of you, that was a perfect shot!" _____________________________________________________________________ (*) How they knew it was a deer: The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer. The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem. The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer. __________________________________________________________________________ A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?" M: "I just visualize the process." E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?" M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9." ___________________________________________________________________________ What is "pi"? Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter. Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927plus or minus 0.000000005 Engineer: Pi is about 3. __________________________________________________________________________ When considering the behaviour of a howitzer: A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land. A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there. An engineer will stand there and try to catch it. ___________________________________________________________________________ There was a mad scientist ( a mad ...social... scientist ) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener. A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped. The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood: Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. Proof: assume the opposite... ___________________________________________________________________________ The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the dairy industry. So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk production improvement of 2% over the original. They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around. They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they got a 5% improvement in milk output. The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output. Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem. In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow. The plans began: "A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines: Consider a spherical cow......" _____________________________________________________________________ An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?" The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?" Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?" Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer. ___________________________________________________________________________ Philosopher: "Resolution of the continuum hypothesis will have profound implications to all of science." Physicist: "Not quite. Physics is well on its way without those mythical `foundations'. Just give us serviceable mathematics." Computer Scientist: "Who cares? Everything in this Universe seems to be finite anyway. Besides, I'm too busy debugging my Pascal programs." Mathematician: "Forget all that! Just make your formulae as aesthetically pleasing as possible!" ___________________________________________________________________________ From: "F. Ted Tschang" An economist, an engineer, and a physicist are marooned on a deserted island. One day they find a can of food washed up on the beach and contrive to open it. The engineer said: "let's hammer the can open between these rocks". The physicist said: "that's pretty crude. We can just use the force of gravity by dropping a rock on the can from that tall tree over there". The economist is somewhat disgusted at these deliberations, and says: "I've got a much more elegant solution. All we have to do is assume a can-opener." _____________________________________________________________________ In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......" __________________________________________________________________________ Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is Pete). Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!" "Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!" "And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!" "Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!" "And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!" "That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!" Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80." Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where to you think interest rates are headed?" ___________________________________________________________________________ An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..." The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..." "...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret. "Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..." ___________________________________________________________________________ A group of scientists were doing an investigation into problem-solving techniques, and constructed an experiment involving a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician. The experimental apparatus consisted of a water spigot and two identical pails, one of which was fastened to the ground ten feet from the spigot. Each of the subjects was given the second pail, empty, and told to fill the pail on the ground. The physicist was the first subject: he carried his pail to the spigot, filled it there, carried it full of water to the pail on the ground, and poured the water into it. Standing back, he declared, "There: I have solved the problem." The engineer and the mathematician each approached the problem similarly. Upon finishing, the engineer noted that the solution was exact, since the volumes of the pails were equal. The mathematician merely noted that he had proven that a solution exists. Now, the experimenters altered the parameters of the task a bit: the pail on the ground was still empty, but the subjects were presented with a pail that was already half-filled with water. The physicist immediately carried his pail over to the one on the ground, emptied the water into it, went back to the spigot, *filled* the pail, and finally emptied the entire contents into the pail on the ground, overflowing it and spilling some of the water. Upon finishing, he commented that the problem should have been better stated. The engineer, in turn, thought for some time before going into action. He then took his half-filled pail to the spigot, filled it to the brim, and filled the pail on the ground from it. Again he noted that the problem had an exact solution, which of course he had found. The mathematician thought for a long time before stirring. At last he stood up, emptied his pail onto the ground, and declared, "The problem has been reduced to one already solved." ___________________________________________________________________________ From: chemistrwb@aol.com (ChemistRWB) A chemist, a physicist and an Engineer went on a camping trip, accompanied by a guide. The were brought to a cabin in the deep Canadian wilderness. Inside the cabin was a wood-burning stove, but it was set up on bricks about 60 cm above the floor of the cabin. The three scientists speculated about the function of the high placement of the stove. The chemist said, "Obviously, the guide has anticipated the convection currents of the heat an placed the stove in a raised position to maximize the heat flow in the semi-adiabatic system." The Physicist believed, "No, it's far simpler than that, the guide placed the stove higher so movement from the countertops to the stove would be minimized and energy conserved." The engineer believed he had the true answer, "Obviously, you fellows don't do much camping. The stove is place higher so we can bring in wood and put it under the stove to dry." The guide soon returned and all three scientists were eager to find out who was right. The guide replied, "Well, we was bringin' the dang thing up the river and part of the chimney pipe fell off the boat, so we had to put it up for the pipe to reach the ceiling." PS: If you know all the words in this essay, your English is better than 99% of native Americans. ___________________________________________________________________________ An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 03. MATHEMATICS A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane." ___________________________________________________________________________ A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour. The tour guide announces: "On the right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls." The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall. All aboard are lost. The moral to this episode is: always keep your poles off the right side of the plane. Caveat: While this joke mentions Polish people, it is not, in my opinion, in the category of the infamous Polish jokes. I hope no one is offended but only humored. ___________________________________________________________________________ Three standard Peter Lax jokes (heard in his lectures) : 1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe? Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable! 2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? Answer: Yes, up to isomorphism! 3. What is a compact city? It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen! ___________________________________________________________________________ "Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about." ___________________________________________________________________________ Q: What quantity is represented by this ? /\ /\ /\ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ /______\ /______\ /______\ || || || || || || A: 9, tree + tree + tree Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ? A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings, one per tree, how many is that ? A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd __________________________________________________________________________ Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered "Polynomial. Polygon." ___________________________________________________________________________ Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: Dr. David Batchelor batchelor@nssdca.gsfc.nasa.gov: Theorem: Consider the set of all sets that have never been considered. Hey! They're all gone!! Oh, well, never mind... __________________________________________________________________________ Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. __________________________________________________________________________ This was made by Mike Bender and Sarah Herr: MATHEMATICS PURITY TEST Count the number of yes's, subtract from 60, and divide by 0.6. The Basics 1) Have you ever been excited about math? 2) Had an exciting dream about math? 3) Made a mathematical calculation? 4) Manipulated the numerator of an equation? 5) Manipulated the denominator of an equation? 6) On your first problem set? 7) Worked on a problem set past 3:00 a.m.? 8) Worked on a problem set all night? 9) Had a hard problem? 10) Worked on a problem continuously for more than 30 minutes? 11) Worked on a problem continuously for more than four hours? 12) Done more than one problem set on the same night (i.e. both started and finished them)? 13) Done more than three problem sets on the same night? 14) Taken a math course for a full year? 15) Taken two different math courses at the same time? 16) Done at least one problem set a week for more than four months? 17) Done at least one problem set a night for more than one month (weekends excluded)? 18) Done a problem set alone? 19) Done a problem set in a group of three or more? 20) Done a problem set in a group of 15 or more? 21) Was it mixed company? 22) Have you ever inadvertently walked in upon people doing a problem set? 23) And joined in afterwards? 24) Have you ever used food doing a problem set? 25) Did you eat it all? 26) Have you ever had a domesticated pet or animal walk over you while you were doing a problem set? 27) Done a problem set in a public place where you might be discovered? 28) Been discovered while doing a problem set? Kinky Stuff 29) Have you ever applied your math to a hard science? 30) Applied your math to a soft science? 31) Done an integration by parts? 32) Done two integration by parts in a single problem? 33) Bounded the domain and range of your function? 34) Used the domination test for improper integrals? 35) Done Newton's Method? 36) Done the Method of Frobenius? 37) Used the Sandwich Theorem? 38) Used the Mean Value Theorem? 39) Used a Gaussian surface? 40) Used a foreign object on a math problem (eg: calculator)? 41) Used a program to improve your mathematical technique (eg: MACSYMA)? 42) Not used brackets when you should have? 43) Integrated a function over its full period? 44) Done a calculation in three-dimensional space? 45) Done a calculation in n-dimensional space? 46) Done a change of bases? 47) Done a change of bases specifically in order to magnify your vector? 48) Worked through four complete bases in a single night (eg: using the Graham-Schmidt method)? 49) Inserted a number into an equation? 50) Calculated the residue of a pole? 51) Scored perfectly on a math test? 52) Swallowed everything your professor gave you? 53) Used explicit notation in your problem set? 54) Purposefully omitted important steps in your problem set? 55) Padded your own problem set? 56) Been blown away on a test? 57) Blown away your professor on a test? 58) Have you ever multiplied 23 by 3? 59) Have you ever bounded your Bessel function so that the membrane did not shoot to infinity? 69) Have you ever understood the following quote: "The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0 is an example of a general principle which we have encountered: the kernel of the adjoint of a linear transformation is both the annihilator space of the image of the transformation and also the dual space of the quotient of the space of which the image is a subspace by the image subspace." (Shlomo & Bamberg's _A "Course" in Mathematics for Students of Physics_) ___________________________________________________________________________ From: RVFT60@email.sps.mot.com (Mike Scott) A Cherokee indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of buffalo hide. A few days later, the second squaw gave birth, and also had a boy. The chief was extremely happy; he built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third squaw gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the birth details a secret. He built the woman a teepee out of hippopotamus hide, and challenged the people in the tribe to guess the most recent birth details, the correct guesser receiving a fine prize. Several of his people tried, but were unsuccessful in their guesses. Finally, a young brave came forth and declared that the third wife had delivered twin boys. "Correct"!, cried the chief. "How did you know"? "It's simple", replied the warrior. "The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides." ___________________________________________________________________________ A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for her blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was made. Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament, and easily defeated all challengers; male or female. As the men of the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other woman of the tribe extremely jealous. One year, two of the squaws petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as a team. In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be champion wrestler of the tribe. As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the wrestling contest. As the match began, it became clear that the squaw had finally met an opponent that was her equal. The two sons wrestled and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor. Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated and that he would declare a winner. The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner. While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship. After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out from his teepee, and announced his decision. He said... "The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides" ___________________________________________________________________________ A guy decided to go to the brain transplant clinic to refreshen his supply of brains. The secretary informed him that they had three kinds of brains available at that time. Doctors' brains were going for $20 per ounce and lawyers' brains were getting $30 per ounce. And then there were mathematicians' brains which were currently fetching $1000 per ounce. "A 1000 dollars an ounce!" he cried. "Why are they so expensive?" "It takes more mathematicians to get an ounce of brains," she explained. _____________________________________________________________________ A topologist walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, being a number theorist, says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve topologists here." The disgruntled topologist walks outside, but then gets an idea and performs Dahn surgery upon herself. She walks into the bar, and the bartender, who does not recognize her since she is now a different manifold, serves her a drink. However, the bartender thinks she looks familiar, or at least locally similar, and asks, "Aren't you that topologist that just came in here?" To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot." _____________________________________________________________________ There are three kinds of people in the world; those who can count and those who can't. And the related: There are two groups of people in the world; those who believe that the world can be divided into two groups of people, and those who don't. ___________________________________________________________________________ The world is divided into two classes: people who say "The world is divided into two classes", and people who say The world is divided into two classes: people who say: "The world is divided into two classes", and people who say: The world is divided into two classes: people who say ... ___________________________________________________________________________ What follows is a "quiz" a student of mine once showed me (which she'd gotten from a previous teacher, etc...). It's multiple choice, and if you sort the letters (with upper and lower case disjoint) questions and answers will come out next to each other. Enjoy... S. What the acorn said when he grew up N. bisects u. A dead parrot g. center F. What you should do when it rains R. hypotenuse m. A geometer who has been to the beach H. coincide h. The set of cards is missing y. polygon A. The boy has a speech defect t. secant K. How they schedule gym class p. tangent b. What he did when his mother-in-law wanted to go home D. ellipse O. The tall kettle boiling on the stove W. geometry r. Why the girl doesn't run a 4-minute mile j. decagon ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ 1. That which Noah built. ___ 2. An article for serving ice cream. ___ 3. What a bloodhound does in chasing a woman. ___ 4. An expression to represent the loss of a parrot. ___ 5. An appropriate title for a knight named Koal. ___ 6. A sunburned man. ___ 7. A tall coffee pot perking. ___ 8. What one does when it rains. ___ 9. A dog sitting in a refrigerator. ___ 10. What a boy does on the lake when his motor won't run. ___ 11. What you call a person who writes for an inn. ___ 12. What the captain said when the boat was bombed. ___ 13. What a little acorn says when he grows up. ___ 14. What one does to trees that are in the way. ___ 15. What you do if you have yarn and needles. ___ 16. Can George Washington turn into a country? A. hypotenuse I. circle B. polygon J. axiom C. inscribe K. cone D. geometry L. coincide E. unit M. cosecant F. center N. tangent G. decagone O. hero H. arc P. perpendicular ___________________________________________________________________________ A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!" ___________________________________________________________________________ There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't. Then a new guy (what the heck, a computer engineer) looked at the problem and said, "Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!" ___________________________________________________________________________ -- --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Joachim Verhagen Email:verhagen@fys.ruu.nl Department of molecular biofysics, University of Utrecht